Tuesday, November 25, 2008

the unknown

Today I had the novel experience of going to the post office to apply for a passport. Now that was an unknown experience for me. Even more filling out the form on line yesterday brought up the unknown. I had to call my sister to find out if she knew the birthplace of my parents as that was unknown for me. We could only guess on birth dates as that was unknown, so I left it as unknown on the form. Most people look to the future as an unknown. I looked at bits of my past as unknown and it brought back years of uncertainty. I know my mother was in the hospital most of my childhood. I was told that she had a brain tumor, but as I got older and with a nephew with schizophrenia, I came to the conclusion that she must have been mentally disturbed. My father left for the unknown. Oh, a few times he came back into my childhood to give all the appropriate concerns about getting the family back together only to slip into the unknown again. As children we were placed in homes that were unknown until we became accustomed to the environment. We had some good times and times of unknowns, abuse and insecurities. Needless to say I was abused in one of the worst ways a young girl could be. That brings me to religion. Don't get me wrong I have a deep faith and love for God. As a child of maybe 5 or 6 I would go out in the yard into my special place where I put a little cross and bring Jesus my little dandelions and buttercups I picked. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those simple times. Maybe I have really, as I have a simple faith and trust. Now the super spiritual and religious I shy from. My abuser was the deacon of the church, a soloist preferred to sing in the services. I can remember he had a beautiful voice, and had claim to the prophetic. It was in the dark of night that his evil side came out. Oh well I guess that I am in a mood with my birthday coming up with the unknown of yesterday. Today is all we are given. Tomorrow is unknown to most of us. I don't fear it as I have already face unknowns in my life. What we have is today to give ourselves to others and make someones unknowns bearable. and love as though it is our last day. And with Thanksgiving only 2 days away, I am thankful for love family friends and the gift I have been given in my love of making art. I may never make a fortune at painting. It's the experience of being like the Creator and make something out of the earthen pigments that companies have made to give us the tools to create with.

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